Gains and Losses

At this point, I have come to the realization that I update this blog about... once a month. It's better than none at all, but since I don't write in a journal, this blog is really the only 'written down on paper' kind of way that is chronicling my life. I hope that in some way, these blog posts not only reflect my skills as a writer, but reflect my growth as a person. I think that is the greatest hope of this blog, as well as posting up movie and book reviews, and other useful/useless stuff that people might be interested in.

I'm going to be straightforward here; after all, this is my blog and why not?

I've definitely lost a lot in the past few months. The times I've been going through have been some of the hardest in my life—I've made plenty of poor decisions and had to pay the price for them. I've lost several support systems that I used to rely on more heavily than I should have. The thing about that though is that when I examine them deeper they were really never support systems to begin with. Some things and people I knew I was going to lose eventually, but the final blow on an already dying thing still hurts almost as much as continued emotional suffering.

I guess I've been angry a lot; angry at many things and at many people. Perhaps angry when I shouldn't be or at things that never did me wrong. I feel like that pain sometimes manifests as anger. For myself, I allowed that to happen because I didn't want to look weak. I STILL don't want to look weak. When you hold a lot of pain and suffering inside, it has a tendency to change into something else—I guess that could be dangerous if you let it simmer enough. That kind of stuff can eat you out from the inside.

I don't even know the point of this rambling monologue; if anything, it's more of an expression of my emotions and everything that's been crumbling around me. As I said before, this isn't the hardest thing I've been through—I've definitely endured worse things happening in my life. But to say these events aren't continuing to shape who I am, then I would be lying.

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In other, more cheerful and less contemplative news, spring is here!!! This means bullhead fishing, growing plants in my dormitory room like a crazy person, and enjoying the sunshine.

Plenty of knitting is going on as well. I'm not ashamed to admit how much I love to knit. It's a hobby that is very relaxing to me; if I have one thing that I can rely on to make me feel a little better, it's knitting or crocheting something and marveling at the finished product. I've never stopped being amazed how something can change from a ball of string to a physical piece of clothing, or a bag, or a case, or something even more amazing than that! I don't think my fascination with that will ever fade; that's a good thing, isn't it?

I guess I'll do some shameless showing off of my work in that case... Mostly because this is something I'm really proud of, since it came out so well.

This was done for a contest on Deviantart; I learned a lot while making it, and although it was frustrating at times (repetitive stitches), it really came out great. This is also probably the first larger thing I'm going to keep for myself. When I knit, I make things for other people as gifts. The only other things I've made for myself personally are washcloths for my face/hands. This is a little bigger and a bit more stylish. The funniest thing about this was that this yarn was originally going to be a pair of socks, but that's another story.

Oh! I also recently hit 1000 hits on this blog. That's pretty awesome. Thanks, everyone.

Although a lot of bad things have been happening in my life, there is still a brightness that I have to look forward to, and the knowledge that I'm safe in all senses of the word is not something to take lightly.